Avoiding Doing The Work By Wanting Others To Change

When I first started my healing journey, there was a particular avoidance technique I used to prevent myself from doing the work: thinking I could help other people change.

This is how the process would go:

  1. An idea would resonate with me

  2. I’d feel a spark of excitement inside

  3. Then I’d think “hang on, that idea could help someone else I know”

  4. The spark inside me dies as I shift my focus to the other persons “issues”

  5. I’d pat myself on my back and think “Wow look at me, I’m so caring” (future me now rolling my eyes)


Instead of choosing the path of healing myself, I’d chosen the path of avoidance.


I remember being on a run and this one particular audio book was resonating with me. You’d think that my world would be suddenly filled with magic and my thoughts would shift in a positive way.


No, my thoughts were “My dad should listen to this, it would really help him”.


And here’s the thing, during my childhood my father caused me lots of emotional pain. His lack of self awareness and inner fears meant I lived my childhood believing there was something seriously wrong with me.


So instead of focusing on the unpleasant feelings that were coming up, I avoided them by thinking how these words could help others. At the time it seemed like a great idea, and looking back now I can see exactly what I was doing. In that moment I’d made the choice to avoid healing myself.


This story highlights an important part of doing the work. It’s painful, hard and exhausting. I wanted the result of being healed but it just seemed so hard to do. What was my way for me to avoid that work? Believing I could help change other people. Focus on them (the external world) rather than on myself (the internal world).


Here’s some reasons why that was never going to work:

  • If I wanted to heal and was struggling to do it myself, how would this ever help someone who had no desire to change?


  • Wanting to change others felt like a great avoidance technique because it makes me feel like a “nice” person, switching the action of change from me to them. It was no longer about me changing, it was now about someone else doing the work.


  • If it was so easy for me to change other people, then it must be easy for them to change me. Hang on! What the? No way! They have no idea what I’m experiencing or feeling….Oh. Yep the truth hurts, I could give the medicine but how come I was so unwilling to take it?


As I write this, I’m giving my past self a kind smile. I look back and see how sweet and strong willed I was. Those are positive qualities, I cared about others and I was determined to help them. Healing was about turning that light inward, being sweet and strong willed to myself. Being determined to help myself.


I haven’t used this avoidant technique for a long time. By gradually working through my own pain and hurt I no longer felt the need to cling to the idea that other people were the ones who needed to change. 


I’d love to hear if anyone else has used an avoidance technique to distract from their own healing. Please use the comments section below to share your experience.

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