Learning to observe myself

Years ago, I went on a beach holiday with some friends. One evening, after quite a bit of alcohol and dancing, I started to feel something very familiar — an overwhelming feeling of inner loneliness. I felt like I was being ignored, and that triggered my old childhood belief: “No one cares about me.” This made me feel deeply alone and unloved.

I wandered down to the beach where someone was fishing and sat beside them, waiting in hope that they would acknowledge me. I kept glancing over until they said, “Go away.” I felt sad, but also surprisingly good because I had been given something I craved attention.

Fast forward to now: I understand why that situation, and many similar ones, occurred. My desire to be acknowledged, to be given attention, to “be seen,” is something I craved as a child. Unfortunately, my caregivers weren’t able to give me this, they had their own struggles going on.

Digging into this, I realize I have a pattern I’ve carried most of my life, which was amplified when I had a few drinks. When I’m with people and I feel ignored, a thought arises: “They don’t care about me.” Once that thought hits my mind, I feel anger, then self-loathing, thinking, “There is something wrong with me.” I then run away from the situation, enraged at myself and others.

I’ve come to appreciate that this pattern is part of my emotional landscape. Previously, it just happened without my awareness—I accepted it as part of who I was. But through observation and pausing, I can now see exactly what’s happening:

• I perceive myself as being ignored - the event.

• The thought “Nobody cares about me” is created in my brain - the thought.

• I seek out a way to get attention -the action.

• I seek attention, whether healthy or unhealthy - even just a small sliver of it.

• I get attention - another event.

• The thought “Someone cares about me” follows - the thought.

• Often, this triggers another reaction because I might choose an unhealthy way to get attention, like starting an argument.

All of this made me miserable, and I wasn’t even aware I was doing it. My conscious self had no idea this pattern was running in the background - I was just living my life.

But I had to notice it before I could change it and make myself more comfortable in the world.

All change started with self-observation and a curiosity to break down the pattern, so I could consciously see what I was doing.

That’s when I realized I was no longer stumbling around in the dark - I could turn on the light and walk confidently through situations.

One small step - that’s all it takes to turn on the light.

What small step did you take to observe yourself? I'd love to know so please share in the comments below.

Years ago, I went on a beach holiday with some friends. One evening, after quite a bit of alcohol and dancing, I started to feel something very familiar — an overwhelming feeling of inner loneliness. I felt like I was being ignored, and that triggered my old childhood belief: “No one cares about me.” This made me feel deeply alone and unloved.

I wandered down to the beach where someone was fishing and sat beside them, waiting in hope that they would acknowledge me. I kept glancing over until they said, “Go away.” I felt sad, but also surprisingly good because I had been given something I craved — attention.

Fast forward to now:

I understand why that situation, and many similar ones, occurred. My desire to be acknowledged, to be given attention, to “be seen,” is something I craved as a child. Unfortunately, my caregivers weren’t able to give me this — they had their own struggles going on.

Digging into this, I realize I have a pattern I’ve carried most of my life, which was amplified when I had a few drinks. When I’m with people and I feel ignored, a thought arises: “They don’t care about me.” Once that thought hits my mind, I feel anger, then self-loathing, thinking, “There is something wrong with me.” I then run away from the situation, enraged at myself and others.

I’ve come to appreciate that this pattern is part of my emotional landscape. Previously, it just happened without my awareness—I accepted it as part of who I was. But through observation and pausing, I can now see exactly what’s happening:

• I perceive myself as being ignored — the event.
• The thought “Nobody cares about me” is created in my brain — the thought.
• I seek out a way to get attention — the action.
• I seek attention, whether healthy or unhealthy — even just a small sliver of it.
• I get attention — another event.
• The thought “Someone cares about me” follows — the thought.
• Often, this triggers another reaction because I might choose an unhealthy way to get attention, like starting an argument.

All of this made me miserable, and I wasn’t even aware I was doing it. My conscious self had no idea this pattern was running in the background—I was just living my life.

But I had to notice it before I could change it

and make myself more comfortable in the world.

All change started with self-observation and a curiosity to break down the pattern, so I could consciously see what I was doing.

That’s when I realized I was no longer stumbling around in the dark—I could turn on the light and walk confidently through situations.

One small step — that’s all it takes to turn on the light.