Working Back To Self

 A few years ago, I spent Sunday mornings jumping into the ocean. In the summer it was pleasant enough, but winter - bloody cold! During winter I joined a small group of 6-8 people in the morning darkness. We walked down the beach to where the water hit the sand, stripped down to our togs (swimwear), and stepped into the ocean. Everyone had their own approach. Mine was a steady walk with sudden stops to brace against the freezing waves. When my feet touched the water, my body and mind went into shock. "What the f**k?" I thought. As the water reached my knees, the pain kicked in, it felt like razor blades were cutting into my legs. A voice in my head urged me to keep going, and that's what I did. Gradually, as the water hit my crotch, armpits, and shoulders, I felt alive, despite the cold. This week, I started a new role at a different company. I’d just finished eight years in a job where I’d become comfortable, so comfortable I’d made a bed and fallen asleep in it. Every ...

Isn’t it a pain when annoying things happen, and you feel your personal comfort shaken by other people's behavior? Yep, welcome to my world of 'me vs. other people doing things that annoy me’. I just want to relax and be comfortable. I thought it was about other people changing themselves for me. But no it wasn’t, it was about me making the change within my very own brain.  Changing this sounds easy right? It sure isn’t. This is the type of pattern I’m talking about: I see something. A thought arises. I attach an emotional judgment to the thought. Off I go on the Emotional Train. Let's use an example: What I Observe: Someone driving fast in a car. Thought: "Fast driving car." Emotional Judgment: "What an idiot! Can't they see what they're doing?" Emotional Train: I spend the next few minutes focusing all my available time and energy on watching the car and judging the driver. Now, you might ask, "Well, why is this a problem?". I’ve ...

Years ago, I went on a beach holiday with some friends. One evening, after quite a bit of alcohol and dancing, I started to feel something very familiar — an overwhelming feeling of inner loneliness. I felt like I was being ignored, and that triggered my old childhood belief: “No one cares about me.” This made me feel deeply alone and unloved. I wandered down to the beach where someone was fishing and sat beside them, waiting in hope that they would acknowledge me. I kept glancing over until they said, “Go away.” I felt sad, but also surprisingly good because I had been given something I craved attention. Fast forward to now: I understand why that situation, and many similar ones, occurred. My desire to be acknowledged, to be given attention, to “be seen,” is something I craved as a child. Unfortunately, my caregivers weren’t able to give me this, they had their own struggles going on. Digging into this, I realize I have a pattern I’ve carried most of my life, which was amplified when ...

When I first started my healing journey, there was a particular avoidance technique I used to prevent myself from doing the work: thinking I could help other people change. This is how the process would go: An idea would resonate with me I’d feel a spark of excitement inside Then I’d think “hang on, that idea could help someone else I know” The spark inside me dies as I shift my focus to the other persons “issues” I’d pat myself on my back and think “Wow look at me, I’m so caring” (future me now rolling my eyes) Instead of choosing the path of healing myself, I’d chosen the path of avoidance. I remember being on a run and this one particular audio book was resonating with me. You’d think that my world would be suddenly filled with magic and my thoughts would shift in a positive way. No, my thoughts were “My dad should listen to this, it would really help him”. And here’s the thing, during my childhood my father caused me lots of emotional pain. His lack of self awareness and inner fear...

  A few years ago, my world was shrinking. I was overwhelmed with anxiety and depression, and I often had negative thoughts that made me utterly miserable. To cope with my unhappiness, I started oversleeping and engaging in other harmful behaviors as a way to escape. Occasionally I would hear a little voice inside me which felt optimistic. I couldn’t hear what it was saying but it made me feel good. That voice was quickly shut down by my other parts who had no time for optimism - “life is hard stop selling dreams” they would say. The little voice would disappear until it could find space to visit again. There was also the online trend of self-healing which was taking off. I began to see more people talking about their feelings and mental health in a way that resonated with me. The more I read, the more inspired I felt, and it was as if a light was being switched on inside me. So, I started “doing the work.” This phrase is often used in self-healing, meaning facing parts of ourselve...